


I Don't Love You (like that)

by Gay_as_fuck



Series: our past is a prison, our future uncertain [3]
Category: Mugen no Juunin | Blade of the Immortal
Genre: Confusion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Dynamics, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Male-Female Friendship, No Romance, Past Rape/Non-con, Relationship Discussions, Sexual Confusion, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 13:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16535807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gay_as_fuck/pseuds/Gay_as_fuck
Summary: From the way her heart misses a beat when the edge of his yukata rides up on his bloody thigh after a fight or slips low over his chest Rin can only conclude she is in love with him.The thought makes her sick.





	I Don't Love You (like that)

**Author's Note:**

> Rin confuses platonic and romantic attraction due to sexual trauma more at six. 
> 
> Anyways i've been meaning to write something like this for a while now. Manji is bi and rin is a lesbian.

From the way her heart misses a beat when the edge of his yukata rides up on his bloody thigh after a fight or slips low over his chest Rin can only conclude she is in love with him. There is a certain way that Manji looks after a fight that twists her stomach into knots. It is one of those times, where blood has soaked the white cloth he adorns himself with into deep crimson. The sun sinks low and the glint in his eyes from a fight has not yet begun to dissipate. He turns away from her and into the sunset walking a little further down the road. She can't unroot herself from where she stands, can't bring herself to draw closer to the man sworn to protect her. 

She wants to rush to him, hide in his arms. She can not step forward or claw any words from her throat. He pauses after a moment of walking and turns back to her too far away for her to really make out his eyes. Something in her chest stops pushing desperately to be free. She shakes her head and forces away the last moments of her mother. Manji would never do that to her, he is kinder than he seems, and he is not walking away. 

"Rin? You coming?" She stumbles a half step forward and something shifts in his shoulders but doesn't draw him closer. She steadies herself with the next step and finds herself at his side in no time. The tension leaves his shoulder as he checks her over. She blushes red, always obvious under his eyes, and he gives a sigh before turning his sights to the road again. As the night cools so do her cheeks while Manji offers no conversation. She stumbles again though this time it is less fear and more exhaustion. They had been traveling for weeks now with few nights spent free of battle or sleeping on the ground. She reaches out a hand to grab him, to pull him close and lean on him, but quickly returns it to her side. If he noticed he says nothing. 

The path is dark but the half moon lets her see Manji in front of her. His steps are sure as if he knows where they're going and what will happen when they get there. That is what she is during the day, confident that her path will end in death. But here in the night, she is a soft girl with feet worn raw. Tears prick at her eyes and she squeezes them shut for a moment to will them away and for once when she opens her eyes again only a slight dampness lingers. 

There is something shining in the dark now, a small light flickering just far enough ahead for her to be unable to estimate the distance. Manji picks up his pace and Rin moves to match his speed until they find themselves staring at an inn. Manji does not bother to examine the poor state of the inn, more accurately a low-quality flop house upon further inspection. He simply opens the door with a bang and is greeted by a middle-aged man rubbing the sleep from his eyes. 

Rin clasps her hands in front of her as Manji hashes out prices with the owner. She doesn't notice what he gives over since she is too focused on not swaying forward to care. When Manji starts walking further into the structure towards whatever room is theirs she follows without complaint. It is when they are finally inside that she collapses with a groan that is only slightly over dramatic. Manji sits down next to her and begins to remove his sandals. 

This is the fact that reminds her that they are going to spend the night in the same room. They've done it many times before but suddenly it has all changed and instead of spending her nights with her back pressed towards the wall she wants it pressed against him. She shudders at the thought, he could do so much to her. She shakes the fear out again with a flutter of her hands, Manji is safety. When she sees him she sees nothing of the men who took her family from her. 

What she does see is her father bleeding out in front of her, but Manji's wounds will always heal. No matter what he will stay where her father was cut down. It is in the soft curve of her own legs as she removes her sandals that she sees her mother. Her heart gives way to another spasm of stress and she glances at Manji despite her better judgment. He's looking at her with concern framing his face so she ducks away and returns to her task with a red face. 

She removes the outer layer of her clothing while he carefully piles up his weapons on the other side of the room. He's done it many times before still the sound of metal on metal sends shivers down her spine. Goosebumps jump up all over her skin and bile burns its way towards her throat, she knows what this must be. This must be love or at least arousal, but probably an overwhelming mix of the two. It's been building since she met him so she reaches out to do something about it before the feeling bursts from her chest. 

"Manji." His name comes out strangled as she grabs the end of his Yukata and pulls it towards her. She can see one of his nipples now and the way a scar dips in a partly twisted curve under his ribs. He grabs her hand to push it away but doesn't get much further when he catches the look in her eyes. She doesn't know what he sees but the anger turns to confusion in an instant. For a rare moment, he's hesitant before pulling the Yukata tight again. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The words have anger seeping into them while he manages to keep too much emotion out of his voice. Rin isn't sure how to answer for a moment, her hand is limp against the cloth on his chest. She wants to trace the scar she saw with her fingers but the thought of anything below that leaves her too out of sorts to speak. 

"What are you doing?" He's more insistent this time and she breaks her gaze with him, her eyes draw to the way his hand is still over hers. He's yet to throw it off, to fully reject her advance, so perhaps there is still a chance. She grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him close while using the leverage to push forward and kiss him. Acid builds up in her throat and it's all she can do not to puke on them right then and there. He pulls himself back and keeps her away with outstretched arms. The fact that he did not push her back draws tears to Rin's eyes. 

"What the fuck is happening? Answer me." He growls out the last part and she shakes. His expression contorts into something of guilt and he sighs, pulling his arms away so there's no physical contact between the two of them. He lays back while putting his hands behind his head in a singular motion as he stares up at the ceiling. She shakes to her self, trying to keep a sob or two at bay. 

"You can't like me like that." Manji addresses Rin while keeping his eyes trained upwards. She clutches her hands in front of her chest and works up the courage to offer a reply. After a moment all she can choke out is. 

"I do." She glances at him to see him grit his teeth and glare daggers into the wooden ceiling. She returns her gaze to the floor and considers her own answer. She is in love with him, she has to be. 

"You're like my younger sister alright." Manji's angry she can tell but at who is where her certainty falls away. It's probably a mix of himself and her, perhaps those who killed his younger sister have earned his wrath at that moment as well. "So thinking of anything about you and that", he grits the word out as if it pains him, "I just can't." 

"I have to be in love with you." Even coming out of her own mouth the words sound wrong and earn a concerned grunt from Manji. She can never seem to make her point come out right, the words just get too mangled on their way from the vague ideas in her head to the implications of language. "Everything points to me being in love with you." She tries again and it sounds better but is still lacking, especially with the weight of her earlier attempt hanging on. 

"What I mean is, you've done everything to protect me still some of the things you do-" She thinks of seeing him slice a man's throat open with a blade that had been impaled through his shoulder a moment before. He's got a gleam in his eyes she's only seen on the men who ruined her life. There's a clink in every step he takes as each unique weapon hits against another. "I'm either afraid of you or in love with you." 

She's drawn the full strength of his concern on herself and the wellspring of emotions that jump from that only increase her confusion. She's certain that she's safe with him, and he seems to care for her, and the way her body seizes up sometimes when he speaks of someone's supple thighs or hard muscles. She is jealous of him, she is lusting after him, her body tells her so. 

"I am safe with you." It is not a difficult thing to think yet it is a challenge to pry the words out of her mouth, "My heart knows to trust you but my body is afraid." She shivers and pulls her hand away from her chest to curl them into fists at her sides. She waits for Manji's reply and when it comes she could not be less ready. 

"Your mother-" He starts and she freezes just as she has so many times before. "Before that night how much did you know?" The sentence is vague and disjointed but his meaning is clear. He means to ask her, "what do you know of sex before your mother was raped in front of you" but he has the tact not to be so blunt. 

"She told me some but-" Rin blushes again because despite how intimate she has gotten with this man he is still that, a man. "That's the only time." She can't look at him so when he reaches out his hand to cover hers she startles and swings her head back around to meet his eyes. He's gone soft just for her, all pressure to calm her as best she can. 

"I think you're mixing up pleasure with fear." She considers his words for a moment and wets her lips before speaking. It's a heavy thought on her mind but she can't deny it's the truth. Eight simple words and she knows she will spend days weighing them against her own experience. She does not want to double check the accuracy of his words or internally debate her own emotions. She just wants to sleep so she lowers herself down as best she can and curls up as tight as she can. 

"I don't know how to feel about you." She mutters half uncertain if Manji will even hear what she's saying. He does of course and rubs circles on her back, always running to physical comfort before anything else. 

"You don't have to yet, just, don't fall in love with me." She closes her eyes and tries to let to tension out of her body and focus on the surprising softness in the acts of his rough hands. He could be tearing at her clothing or teasing her skin but the thoughts are too painful for the moment. She does not want him to do more than watch the door and help her sleep. 

"I don't think I did." She responds after a while, probably too long between his sentence and her reply. She drifts in and out of sleep and still he never stops rubbing comforting circles on her back. She thinks she hears him answer "good" but she can't be sure. When she sleeps she doesn't dream.


End file.
